Inspired by Ralphie's attempt to get a Red Ryder 200 count repeating rifle in "A Christmas Story" I have written the following theme:

What I Want for Christmas

by Steve Riggins

Of all the things that have happened in my life, no one particular event sticks in my mind as much as Christmas does. Waking up at ungodly hours, watching my parents stumble in, my Dad the chief one in disbelief, as this was the only day of the year that we saw daylight before he did.

The very first memory I have is a Lionel train set (or it was similar) with a large board layout, houses, crossing gates and a tunnel. I remember it being stored in the garage and my Dad looking for it once.

With Christmas being so important, and it now being December 25, 2000, what do I want for Christmas this year?

I want to start over. With a failed marriage, my career not exactly where I want it to be and not having a clue want I want from myself, I just want to start over.

I want to let my family know how much I love them. I want my friends to know how much they mean to me. I want my co-workers to know how much I respect them.

I want to be loved some day - Not the co-dependant kind of love I have had, but honest, unsolicited love. Being alone on the holidays, this being my second, sure does teach you a lot. It teaches you about what you miss, but more importantly what you never had.

Being alone teaches you what you want in life, and also how to experience the pain when there is no one in your life that wants to share it. I have learned to not avoid pain any longer, but rather to embrace it and learn from it.

Being alone has taught me that I do have a lot of feelings and pain buried deep down that I need to deal with. It has taught me that I no longer want a dysfunctional relationship, but one where we both love, respect and adore each other so much that the work involved in a relationship is not even seen as work, but as the responsibility and committment given to the other.

I have friends that did not want to see me alone for the Holidays and I love them for it. However, avoiding the feelings, the hurt that helps me grow so much is not best for me. I need to get through this, pick up the pieces and move on.

That is a truly great Christmas gift.

I have not purchased any gifts this year so far. Part of it might be holiday blues, but I truly feel it is something more. I really want my friends to know how much I respect and love them, and buying something just because a date arrived seemed, for some reason this year, to trivialize it. I want to do something special for them and I will.

So for now, about all I can do is write this letter to get some feelings off my chest and tell the following people I love them dearly, in no order:

To Simeon and Ketra, Jane and Bob, Marc and Scott, Ken, Jeanie and Scott, Matt, Mom and Dad, Kati and Sonia, Sharon and Libby and Cliff and Dan, Peri and Arden and Amy, Grandma and Grandpa, Uncle Bud, Dan and Charlie, Ken and Jos, JJ and Erik, Andrew, Maggie and Gabby, Hank and Andre and Tav, Ryan and Dee, Chris and Dana, Tom and Dori, Cliff, Bob S, Rick and Mark, Corlene and Danny, Andreas and Carol, Mr. and Mrs. Baerg, Dee Dee and Lisa, Lia and Candy, Brent and Jamie, Les and Patsy, Eric and Patrick, Steve and David, Suzanne and Fletcher, Michael and Lisa, Robert and Alan and Amanda, Aleen and Morgan, Colin, Len and Billy and whomever I have not mentioned, You have all been a cherished part of my life, I love you, respect you and will always hold you in my heart.

Steve Riggins, December 25, 2000