Retracting

Sometimes you have to wonder why you have the people in your life you do, or maybe not enough of them. Why you spend so much time alone, why you feel so selfish, why you don’t care enough, when you do but when it comes time to show you, you retract.

Sometimes you wonder why you can’t find that person that “gets” you, that wants to know more about you, finds you interesting.

Sometimes you wonder why people would rather talk to their ex on the phone than with you, or be somewhere else. You wonder if you smell, not physically, but as a person, wreaking of bad intentions, of selfish attitudes.

Then you wonder why your friends tell you to stop the self pity, when all you are trying to do is understand why you feel this way, when these emotions are inside of you and you need to explore them, but when you do, when you open up, you are slapped on the wrist for being who you are.

Then you wonder why you have to spend another Saturday night alone, why you don’t have the courage to go out by yourself and meet people. You wonder why it is you are more comfortable at home chatting or watching TV.

You wonder why you have this need of closeness, to be inside someone’s soul, to feel their touch, not sleep with them, but just touch. And you want someone to touch you, to help you grow, to give a flying leap.

Then you worry that if you say too much to someone, they might do these things because you asked for it. Then you wonder if that is then a real gift, like someone who buys you a Christmas gift off your website, vs. that person that surprises you with something you never expected because they listened, cared and gave a flying leap.

Then you just want to retract and say “bah!” and scew it all. But that puts you right back into the hole of being alone on Saturday night.

So then you just ramble on your blog and see how you feel afterwards.